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Feeling blue…or not feeling groovy

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

blue is ambiguous, hazy, vague and unclear   pep

feeling sad is not

sadness is pretty much clear, singled out with pity parties thrown but not in your honour

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

feeling blue its totally acceptable-look how many songs about being blue are out there

feeling sad is not   dog

people run away as if you’ve contracted the plague -sadness, we all know is highly contagious

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

blue is an acceptable colour, blue skies, blue eyes, blueberries even playing the blues has colour

feeling sad is not

sad is gloomy and dark, no colour hues like blue just tears, frowns and being down ht

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

like when long standing relationships end because the glitter that kept them going has been thrown and scattered so many times there’s just nothing left

feeling sad is not

especially when you go around trying to pick up those specks of glitter and end up with dust bunnies attached

Sometimes feeling blue is ok download

when it rains on your parade and then, behold, the sun comes through bringing fairies and yellow rays of sun

feeling sad is not

when you try to open an umbrella to starve off the rain on your parade and the wind turns the umbrella inside out and you’re too busy cursing and fighting with the wind and you accidentally knock a fairy upside the head along with the single yellow ray of sun that was guiding it

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

When you buy a hot dog to make you feel better cause the stress at work is bringing you down

Feeling sad is not

you forgot to order sauerkraut with that hotdog and once you take a bite, the bun is stale and you already walked too far from the vendor to run back and curse him out

Sometimes feeling blue is ok

yike

 

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SELF…ish.

Self-discipline  IMG_2564

-the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despittemptations to abandon it.

Yeah right.

Been trying to be ‘self-discipline’ for over 50 years and all I’m reaping with that discipline is sabotage of the self

Self-worthIMG_2559

-another term for self-esteem

Yeah right.

Taking a job that does not reward demanding work, excess hours spent completing projects and scrimps on overtime and still working there? Yep-that’s exactly why I make the yearly salary I do. Ups and downs of life living with depression can take a toll on self-worth leaving it defenseless against soul sucking predators who are everywhere, in every field.

 But…

running with a group, racing for my own personal gain can seriously stimulate that old self-worth and lord help the mofo who tries to mess with my self-worth when it’s fueled by natural endorphins. Yep.  You can mess with my salary but not my head.

Self-determination

 -absorbed in one’s own thoughts, activities or interest

Yeah right.

I’m so absorbed in my own thoughts, activities and interest that an impenetrable wall somehow was built around my heart without any funding or government interference. The joke was truly on me without my knowledge or participation.

 Self-Assured

confident on one’s own abilities or character

 Yeah right.

I was so self-assured on accepting a job that started me at 31k. Then realized how the scam management team operated and requested an increase to 37k. The work load increased and the only salary increases were to everyone else’s except mine.

Wowza.

Self-ishIMG_2562

-lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure

Yeah right.

Selfish is looking pretty good right now. Time to reel in the empathy and substitute it with apathy and concentrate on what matters most: me, myself and I.

Guess what?

Ain’t gonna happen.IMG_2560

The me, myself and I cares too deeply for the sentient beings who have no voice, are seen but not heard, are invisible until the rain falls and…

(So sorry,

this does not include the mosquitos.)

Those opportunist mini drones who thrive on the sucking and stealing blood from those who have not given consent or signed a waiver steer me towards…

Being.IMG_2558

 SELF-ISH.

On Running…or random acts of self-gloating.

Running, seriously keeps me in the moment, in the present, with thoughts dabbing tearfully at the past and  plans my hand enjoys squashing like a giant bug swatter dealing with the future.

The act of running,

Is not running…

It’s training to run. IMG_2504

Training is…

Humiliating, teaching one to be humble during a race as gastrointestinal issues make an unexpected appearance before hitting a porta potty. Once there, one recuperates, cursing the lack of tp and continues afterwards with the…

Training that becomes…

Humbling, when a cocky self assured self decides to run a ½ marathon without the training and ends up puking on the side of the running path. Once there, one recuperates cursing at not having the time to train and continues afterwards with the…

Training that inspires…

Aspirations which turn into goals and thus become accomplishments. Once there, one recuperates, cursing at not recognizing what the hard work was for and duh, reveling in the feely, good thingys not only felt but held close to the heart.IMG_2503

Well, those are my thoughts on running or random acts of self-gloating.

Transparency or why the hell can’t ya just tell the truth…

IMG_2307

Transparency is our motto…

Yea right. Transparency is far from your motto and if the need is so great to state it, it says one thing: You’re lying.

We believe in transparency…

Really now? Transparency is what you call a twisted version of the truth which is lying to make it seem real.

Transparency is our commitment to you…

To me? Or did you mean your Board Members who are fully aware of the transparency and what lies behind it.

Kane-Transparency-Bubbles-1200-1200x627

Our transparency speaks for itself…

Does it now? I guess the attention of your transparency should focus on what you’re not saying.

Our money supply is transparent…

Um…like those over seas bank accounts?

I feel if I hear the usage of ‘transparency’ one mo’ time, I’ma gonna go ballistic and put going postal to shame.

Please…

Cut the crap, when has ‘transparency’ replaced telling the truth?

Or is lying in any form necessary to make a buck the new norm?

I do not have the answers.

Transparency is bull…

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But, there are some great quotes on it:

“Truth never damages a cause that is just.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

“In the kingdom of glass everything is transparent, and there is no place to hide a dark heart.”
― Vera NazarianThe Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

“If you remove Al Sharpton’s blackness, he disappears. He’s transparent. There’s nothing there because he bases his whole life on his blackness. Me, I’m a black man; but my blackness has submission to my Christianity.”
― Ken Hutcherson

“You have to be transparent
so you no longer cast a shadow
but instead let the light pass through you.”
― Kamand Kojouri

Give me lies or give me transparency!!!

**First photo is mine, the rest, courtesy of the WWW

 

 

 

 

Mega Millions…

Ok.

2017 is almost out the door.

So many memorable political moments in the year as well as some notable human souls going into shadow that will leave a dent in our social fabric-most recently Erica Garner.

She passed on at the age of 27 from a heart attack or as Al Sharpton stated  Many will say that Erica died of a heart attack, but that’s only partially true because her heart was already broken when she couldn’t get justice for her father”.

Erica Garner was a warrior who turned tragedy into a platform for social justice instead of wallowing in bitterness and should haves, could haves.

Yea.

2017 is almost out the door.

Habits and routines are difficult to break because, habits and routines are dependable, always there, nothing to question and no anxiety.

I wanna be superwoman

I wanna make a major change in the world

I wanna be like Erica Garner and stand for social injustice

I wanna be a rebel and give the middle finger to every passive aggressive white person I’ve had to deal with

I wanna win the Mega Millions jackpot and take care of the people who have remained in my life along with its idiosyncrasies.Mega_Millions_Lottery_logo.svg

I wanna buy a large piece of Russian River land in Cali and set up an animal/artist sanctuary with a friend who is dear to mi alma.      fbae963da2b442690d03f6a3e8a1f7d0

 

Does that promote social justice?

It would be a sanctuary for the outcasts of America, the eclectics, insane, irrationals, unpredictable dreamers, wanna be r’s and the right to live without you eatin’ me.

Animals and artists, so much in need of love, support and hope.

Yea.

2017 left the building.

 

 

 

**photos from the World Wide Web-not mine.

Frustration intolerance or…if I don’t get my way, hell will freeze over.

Frustration comes with life.despaired-2261021__340

I get frustrated, you get frustrated, we get frustrated, they get frustrated, she gets frustrated, he gets frustrated…then what?

More Frustration

Frustration is:

-Waiting in forever lines,

-the express 15 item line at the supermarket and the person in front of you has fifty items shoved into their cart and the checkout clerk says nothing

-rushing to the Fed-X facility to pick up that package delivered unsuccessfully two hours ago to be told, “Hey, it’s still on the truck, come back near closing”

-the doctor’s appt so desperately needed, paid for by the insurance earned from the madness endured by working with others you’d never associate with outside of work

-working the job to get the insurance to see the doctor but cannot because the “pile of papers sitting on your desk needs to be addressed” to avoid the wrath of the anxious boss, who sits at their desk searching for dresses on eBayoffice-2539844__340

 

-trying to stretch a dollar into usage for a week

-not having the money to pay bills after working 35 hours a week

This stops here…

Frustration is here, daily, interrupting the easy flow we’d like to have in our lives, from morning to night and especially during lunchtime. We have no control on how and where it comes from, only control on how to deal with it once it makes its presence known.

For the lucky ones, Frustration is felt, experienced and put in its place as it is a no brainer, easily dealt with and discarded. There are more important things in life worth your time and effort.

For the unlucky ones, like me, Frustration is an evil incarnate!!! Set forth from the gates of hell, Frustration throws your whole game plan into the gutter.

It stifles and cripples your ability to deal.

Defeated, you retreat into your inner sanctum, praying for Frustration to leave you alone and pick on somebody else!

But…

Frustration stays and festers until after downing glasses of wine, pizza and hotdogs you finally defeat it. It’s behind you, drama dealt with, done and done.

But…

You are left with the hangover, and the enlarged painfully bloated abdomen.

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No money in my pocket…

The job I do which comes with money, insurance, sick and vacation days-

Will Never Define Me.

If I left tomorrow, another would take my place and yesterday’s trash would hold my memory.  I work for an organization that bears no ownership from me but seeks to own me 9-5 five days a week, 52 weeks of the year.

Not my circus, not my monkeys and,

still I work.

For the pitiful salary that allows me to live paycheck to paycheck.

I work.

Twenty-three dollars of green and cream coloured paper can pay for a NYRR race so yes, I

work.

Some money is better than no money.

Before 9am I am the person who owns myself, running 4-6 miles through Ppark alleviating all the knots and kinks required for the introvert in me to go forth into the wonderful office space world where, annoying can’t be alone extroverts, rule.

After 5pm, I revert to being me, in my apartment, wearing the jammies, with the furbabies, two glasses of wine and a good book or SVU on the tube. The introvert in me welcomes my non-inclusive space.

Non-inclusive means space for me and surely not you.

Lord have mercy…

for the extroverts and their lonely selves cannot exist without the attention sucked from introverts who long for the private office the extroverts occupy.

Still I work.

Money is earned not given in my case.

I work…

not for the accolades which are reserved for those who make the most and work the least.

Work,

because it pays the endless bills left always in arrears.

Some money is better than no money so

I work and will keep working until the bills ride off into the sunset or I win mega millions and with my middle finger held high, I ride off into the sunset.

***images from the web…

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