I drop tears every day. Over loss, grief and difficulty adopting to a new life without a mother to run to. I drop tears every day. Over not enjoying the hobbies culminated during Covid. I drop tears every day. Over not having family, being alone with no emergency contacts close by. I drop tears every day. Over the person who once was me filled with purpose, goals and drive. I drop tears every day. Over dying alone in a hospital or nursing home.

The movie, “Wit”caused trauma and profoundly solidified, how I’ll draw my last breath. Alone, with a terminal disease, in hospice and only a nurse by my bedside. The same scenario happened to my cousin who was born on the east and died in the west. I’d like to think you, my mom, will be waiting for me as I depart. Cooing words of love and singing, “You are my sunshine”. You watched me come into the world; I watched you go out.

I live to eat and not eat to live. I live to be and be to live. I live to please and please to live. I live to explore and explore to live. I live to live.

Memories are warm, snuggly like drinking a humongous mug of hot chocolate-milk not water and topped with gobs of whipped cream-no marsh mellows. I can laugh at our silliness over gin and tonics and smile over the hair always found in your food. I remember once your hair ended up in my mouth and I threw a fit as there were no tomorrows on the horizon. You swore apologies while the sun shined and refusing to accept them gave me power. Later that day, a thought emerged. One day I would long for your hair in my food.