Feelings

My mood in clouds…or from both sides now

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Brain in spasms 
Thoughts bouNcinG on the membrane, 
bOunCing off the membrane
BoUnCiNg… 

* EMC

Walked outside looked up
Clouds
Bouncing stopped
Restored, reset
I begin my morning

Confusing and self-doubt
Exploring possibilities
relocation, restoration, resurrection
Water, liquid water

* EMC

Across the Hudson
Clouds
Confusion now clarity
Self-doubt now security
I begin my afternoon

Shit waits for no one
It passes you by
It rolls on forever
Like the clouds in the sky*

*EMC

Shit happens
Clouds
Sometimes it’s good
Most times it’s bad
I begin my evening

Spasms 
Thoughts bouNcinG on the brain  
bOunCing off the membrane
BoUnCiNg… 

* EMC

Walked outside looked up
Clouds
Evening turns to night
Depleted mi alma drained
To bed hibernate

*Helen Forrest

Some of the times…

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Photo by EMC

Some of the times
It’s easy to get out of bed in the morning
enthusiastically hopeful for the best  
Celebrate a new day

Photo by EMC

Some of the times
It’s possible to eat healthy
wholesome food so the alma (soul) can
Rejoice from consumption of the blessed kind

Some of the times
It’s easy to breathe fresh air
when you open the windows of your heart and
Renew your world with fresh healing energy

Some of the times
Because we used to and I can’t
the gardener will clear out the overgrown weeds 
Clean the dirt, gravel, and slate

Photo by EMC

Some of the times
Rain thumping down 
on a hot humid day
Joyfully transports me to the Caribbean

Some of the times
The sound of Mr Softee 
unleashes the childhood memories 
Running wild and young in Brooklyn


Some of the times
The sound of Mr Softee 
unleashes the childhood memories 
Running wild and young in Brooklyn

Some of the times
Getting out of your head
and letting go of mind squatters
Radiates pure mind full filled

Photo by EMC

Some of the times
You want to whisper 
activating all your senses
Being alive in the present

Some of the times
The body cries in power
As strength takes hold and
Welcomes the eradication of toxins




Some of the times
Optimistic should be my first name
Followed by Hope as the middle
Ready Set Go as my last

Photo by EMC

Some of the times
A cardinal brings laughter
Especially when fighting with the sparrows and
Winning        

Some of the times
I laugh so hard tears come to my eyes
in a moment of pure joy
Happy at just being happy

Photo by EMC

Some of the times
You pray to HIM
Asking and asking till you become an
Instrument of his peace

Sometimes…

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Photo by EMC

Sometimes…                   
It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning
To begin a new day when you’d rather linger 
under the covers in the past

Sometimes…
It’s impossible to eat healthy
When you have to prep and cook
and the corner bodega is…at the corner

Sometimes…
It’s hard to breathe fresh air
When the windows are shut
holding in stale memories

Sometimes…
The overgrown garden
Once tended by mom and you
should stay overgrown.

Sometimes…
Rain really sucks
Thumping down cold
on my bare head

Sometimes…
A mean and ugly person 
Takes up space in your brain
squatting, rent free

Sometimes…
You want to scream so loud
Igniting car alarms up and down the block
but the scream is nothing but a whimper

Sometimes…
The body cries for help
As a fat revolution takes hold
obliterating muscle in its path

Sometimes…
Despair should be my first name
Followed by Anguish as a middle
Mourning as the last

Sometimes…
A cardinal brings hope
Except when its fighting with the sparrows
and the sparrows win

Sometimes…
You pray to HIM
Asking and asking
and never receiving

Photo by EMC

Faith…or Fate

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Faith moves mountains
You often said when despair embraced me

Fate moves mountains
I often said as control is in another’s hand

Faith moves mountains
Through troubling times optimism was your shield

Fate moves mountains
Through troubling times alcohol was mine

Faith moves mountains
You believed in a God that would nurture and care

Fate moves mountains
I believed in a God that was cruel and malicious

Faith moves mountains
You rarely shed tears and if you did
they fell with a purpose

Fate moves mountains
I cried everyday 
angry tears driven by self-pity 

Faith moves mountains
Cancer came back for you
this time it latched on 
You cried once in the hospital
and I knew you knew
hope fought

Fate moves mountains
Cancer came back for you
I couldn’t pry it loose 
I cried as much as I drank
and you knew I knew
hope lost

*** It’s been three years since you drew breath. You were in my life for 54 years. I guess I’ll be mourning till the day I join you. I cry mostly mornings, when another day begins, without wine or bourbon. During the days I’ll smile as memories, come in and out, out and in. Looking forward to more smiles and fuzzy feelings when memories hit instead of pain and tears.

I love you mom, my mom.

Las Estaciones De Mi Alma…(The seasons of my soul)

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Invierno (Winter)
Mi Alma duerme 

My soul sleeps
For winter
Happy in the cold 
Warm in the body
Embraced at night with furs that live
Wrapped in a sheet with feathers dead
Bring comfort to a comatose mind

La Primavera (Spring)
Mi alma baila

My soul dances
For the air is tinged
With energy and rebirth
Resetting my soul to sync
Within nature at its most
Obvious time

Artwork: Marvin Piqué

El Verano (Summer)
Mi alma se sienta con el sol

My soul sits with the sun
Moving in slow mo’
Jiggly with passion
Humid, Heat, Hotness
Because she can

El Otoño (Fall)
Mi alma duele con recuerdos de Perdida

My soul hurts with memories of loss
Diá de Muertos
The altar once filled with marigolds and 
Bits of food, pictures of the elders 
Sits in a cardboard box in the closet
Because I cannot, love cannot
Add you to them

Wood and paper come from trees
Heart and lungs rule the body
Loss and love nailed in the alma
Scars deeply 

All About Eve…or The Snake Made Me Do It

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ACCORDING…

to the King James bible, GOD created Adam in his own image using dust from the ground and the breath of life from his own mouth. 

Thus, Adam became a living entity sown in the Garden of Eden constructed purposely for his tending.

He was immediately given charge of keeper of the garden, named every beast, cattle and fowl and could eat freely of every tree in the garden. 

EXCEPT…

from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

“Why not?”, one may ask. 

Because, he would surely die! 

AS…

God told him so. 

Adam needed a helper since the beasts did not serve this purpose so while he slept, God removed a rib and constructed woman. Both naked and not ashamed they carried on in the garden

UNTIL…

The woman ate fruit from that tree at the urging of a snake. Both were punished when God found out.

The snake?

Forever to crawl on its belly in the dust for the rest of its life, its head to be bruised by the seed of the woman. 

The woman now called, Eve? 

The heel of her seed will be bruised by the snake and her sorrows multiplied in the conception and delivery of children. Subservient to her husband she will always be.

Adam? 

He will eat of that tree, the root of all this ruckus, transformed to thorns and thistle the rest of his life. Bread he will consume until he returns to the dust he was taken from.

Eve is forever vilified for falling for the snake’s temptation. It was surely her fault and her fault alone for eating the fruit (now accepted as an apple). 

BUT…

Her apple eating was 

DISCOVERY AND FREEDOM!!!

Nakedness-God had to make them clothing.

Child-bearing-She could now have children (along with sex).

Banishment-She could get out of the garden and watchful eyes.

Passive aggressive-Adam does all the work. 

Her offspring’s, offspring, lived hundreds of years. 

I guess it really was all about Eve and thanks to the snake that made her do it.

Feelin’ Moody…

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Feelin’ Moody

Move fast and keep busy
Cuz after 12 I will be dizzy

Kicking back bourbon in hand
flipping the channels and feelin’ moody

Ba da da da da da feelin’ moody.         200w-1.gif

Hello newscast, what’cha showing?
I’ve come to watch the violence flowin’

Any good news or just crimes for me?
Doot-in doo-doo feelin’ moody.   200w

I’ve got so much to do
Promises I didn’t keep
I’m frazzled and anxious and ready to scream
Let the nighttime come and steer me to sleep

Life you bug me
Feelin’ moody

Essential…no longer Associate :)

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“I don’t see the bin for Flowering Chives” I asked Julie.

“You can place them in the Chives-local produce bin”, she responded from across the aisle.

I’m working temporary at the Food Coop stocking produce.

During normal times, the coop requires 3hrs of monthly volunteer shifts

and my shift was placing organic labels on the produce

in the basement, with a talkative crew.

But…

due to the Corona, all shifts have been suspended and most members have been hired to work for…

minimum wage.           101010428_714861959248941_178266032119480320_n

Now I hold the title of “Essential Worker” instead of “Training Associate”

severed by my resignation after three years at an org

with glass ceilings

stained with smudge marks

by those who tried to break through.

My choice. My body. My decision.

Julie is the supervisor for Produce at the food coop.

She is meticulous as I will never be.

I lack the energy to be meticulous in just about anything.

“I can’t believe it’s eight o’clock and the shelves aren’t stocked!!”

“We’ll get there Julie”, I said from atop a small stool stocking

the flowering chives

and secretly thinking,

‘How the hell do you cook flowering chives?’

“When you’re done with the chives could you stock the nettles? Just be careful when you’re bagging them.

They have thorns and it burns if it pierces the skin.”

“What do you do with nettles?”

“Well you can make tea from the leaves and you can boil the leaves and put into food”, Julie said.

“Why in the world would you cook with an herb that attacks you?”, I responded.

Sure enough…

I got pricked by a nettle at the wrist which led to a burning sensation.

“I got pricked!”.

“It will go away in 10 minutes”.

And…

it did, just as Julie said.

Four hours of my six hour shift was spent with Julie.

Stocking some melons and peppers, but mostly herbs.

I learnt more about herbs than was necessary

and…

Julie’s meticulousness found its way

into my hands.

I started arranging the bins to look attractive

neat…

inviting to the eyes and to the touch.

I became present in the task before me instead of daydreaming the day away

planning for what would happen when I was done

when I got home

walked the dog and

prepared my lunch.

For those four hours working at the coop

I was in the now.

 

Once or…one time only.

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Once,

I dated a Boy who loved me and whom I loved.

This sensitive Boy was a poet who composed songs with fragile words on a guitar.

I,

was the girl who recorded black and white visuals of everyday life on an Olympus camera.

Alas,

the Boy needed care in ways which depleted my heavily guarded plethora of emotions.

Drained,

the guard broke, and I left, taking my reserve with me.

The Boy,

recovered, found strength in his songs with fragile words on guitar and now tours all around the states.

His followers,

follow him in awe of the songs with fragile words on guitar.

Once,

I dated a boy who looked like Sting.

This boy,

was an aspiring editor who cut through slices of life with no remorse.

I,

was the girl who recorded black and white visuals of everyday life on a Nikon F3.

I,

married the boy who didn’t love me but loved what I offered in terms of him moving ahead.

Sycophant,         Image result for sycophants

is what a co-worker once called him.

I,

did not know what the word meant and looked it up in hardcover bound dictionary.

Sycophant,

suited him well for he used people for his own benefit.

The Boy,

who composed songs with fragile words on guitar was far more truer to himself.

He,

reached for the stars when they were out of reach and grasped a bunch that paved the way for his travels.

I,

self-sacrificed my recorded black and white visuals of life on a Horseman 4×5. For no one said I was good enough and I was not true to myself.

The boy,

moved on, to a sycophants’ ultimate dream of scoring one who had connections that would propel his self to a lucrative outcome.

Pity the boy could never relied on his own strength and worth.

Que Sera, Sera…or, What the Bejesus Just Happened?!!!!!

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Four days in a week turned out to be four days of

Stress, Drama and Conflict.

The results of my reacting to situations instead of choosing not to react.

Stress, Drama and Conflict

greeted me when the New Year kicked in along with some outright, down home-grown rudeness from others bent on hurting those crossing their paths.

I chose not to react.

A lovely staycation week from a toxic place of employment followed.

And, it was peaceful.

Until I returned, one week later.

Stress, Drama and Conflict

greeted me as I passed through the entrance door of the place called work.

And continued to linger around like Pig Pen’s dust and dirt.Pigpen

Two weeks later I started out on a birthday escapepation (escape + vacation) journey to another State.

But…

Stress, Drama and Conflict

 had no intention of leaving me alone.

On the MTA to the Amtrak station, I was shoved by an Emotional Disturbed Person on the #2 train heading to Penn Station.

Why?

Well, my backpack was rubbing against him and I, the little gnat in his scheme of the world was crushable.

Stress, Drama and Conflict

followed me as I exited the train at Penn Station and made me way through the throngs of people locked in their New York Minute rushing to whatever destinations meant to reach.

As I made my way to the Amtrak station with tears streaming down my face with no Kleenex, my intent was to leave all this behind, as it was my birthday weekend, with much to look forward to.

No,

Stress, Drama and Conflict

came along for the ride as the train rolled out with me sitting in the ‘Quiet Car’. They say, “You can’t take it with you…” but I did, as the mofo (mother f***er) hid away in the side pocket of my cheap Amazon roll along luggage.

Stress, Drama and Conflict…
Stress, Drama and Conflict…
Stress, Drama and Conflictimages

was January’s contribution to my birth month.

My birthday escapation (escape + vacation) was not what, it intended to be, but rather a hard knock into what truly is and my avoidance at seeing what was in front of me.

Stress, Drama and Conflict.

A necessary part of life that counterbalances all the good feely great days in between. When everything groovy, smoothy and loveable falls into balance. A euphoric high, bliss for hours on end. images-1

Until…

the time arrives welcoming,

Stress, Drama and Conflict.

 

**Photos courtesy of the WWW