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Depression hurts…

“Suicide thoughts?”
No. If I commit suicide I’ll have nothing to be depressed about anymore.

“Problems eating or regurgitating food?
No. Food and I have a mad love relationship. Everyday I’m busy trying to consume as much as I can-why go through the trouble of trying to get rid of it?

“Feeling of hopelessness and despair?”
Yes. The world at times has attempted to suffocate me.

“Isolation?”
Oh yes, well I have dogs. I choose alone!

“Loss of interest in activities?”
Well…yeah, gaining xx amount of pounds does not encourage me to get out in the park and roller blade in a tank top and shorts anytime soon.

Based on my answers to a series of screening questions, I was diagnosed with depression. My primary care doctor officially and medically placed me in the mild zone of the depression spectrum-not the high or the low but the mild-whatever that means-kidding, I know what it means.

Depression hurts…

It paralyzes mí alma (soul) and drives mí cuerpo (body) into a catatonic state. It is intimidating as it towers over me and devours my ability to self-control. It can also be possessive and demanding as no others are allowed to compete with its hold.

If my depression lasts a day, I can pull through by way of engagement with what I love to do-writing, reading and playing piano. If it stays around longer, I shut down, become lethargic and hide within the comforts of myself.

Depression is frustrating because I have yet to figure out how long it plans to hang out in the fog within my being. But, it does have a way of announcing its arrival which is not by a horse drawn golden chariot or sitting atop a billowy grey cloud. A trigger is what my depression needs in order to arrive and it’s always dressed in its finest.

Examples of some of my Triggers:

1. Aggravation from work
2. Tobias or Pi Patel sick with something
3. Weight
4. Bad ride on the subway
5. Clothes not fitting because of the weight
6. Things not going according to plan
7. Ignored or having my ideas not taken seriously
8. Detangling my hair
…This can go on but it stops here.

My triggers are not a consequence of the situations themselves but my reaction to the situations which in turn brings on the depression.    

My reactions to the above situations:

1a. Inability to think coherently and reacting emotionally
2a. Stress and the unknown leading to loss of control
3a. Emotional eating
4a. People who don’t know the proper usage of “excuse me” and “I’m sorry” especially when my toe is smashed by a stiletto heel
5a. What the hell am I going to wear now?
6a. Why me? I know. Because I am so stupid!
7a. I guess I truly am stupid
8a. I hate my hair, I hate myself
…This can go on but it stops here.

This was depression before Wellbutrin.

Now, depression with Wellbutrin does not hurt as much.

***Wellbutrin effects are different for everyone. What worked for me, may not work for you. Talk to your health care provider for more information.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Benjamin Eakin
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 22:32:33

    Love it. I was going to stop the Wellbutrin last year, but Tom said, “Oh, no, I like you better this way!” Things not going according to plan? What? You have plans? I try to avoid those at all costs because my expectations suddenly show up with boxing gloves on, ready to take on all comers. A sense of humor definitely helps, when you can find it. Like you, things like “I’d have nothing more to be depressed about if I killed myself” pop into my head uninvited. Seems a little like a lose-lose proposition. I, on the other hand, like to think of it as a win-win. No particular reason, I just prefer it that way.

    Reply

  2. anelemc
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 23:38:57

    Thanks Ben and I agree a sense of humour is a must! Wellbutrin has enabled me to see the win-win instead of wallowing around in the lose-lose. And as for plans-no more- my expecations can’t handle the frustration of not being in total control!

    Reply

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