My Mood in Roots…or Roots Of The Literal Kind

My Mood in Roots…or Roots Of The Literal Kind

starts fresh each day
Waking up hopeful and open to the world

is not like the rhythmn of the four seasons
Changing routinely, overlapping rudely, not blending in softly

is prone to stagnate and fester 
Going this way and that, bloated with urine

at most is solitary
Moving through brown the dirt-Alone

is glorious, proud, ever expanding
Exploring, born again from experiences encounter

is comprised of tributaries, waterfalls, rivers, and streams
Flowing forth, clogging up, backing up, stuck then free, stuck

supports others giving, giving and giving
They blossom, while I am stunted and deprived 

absorbs negativity literally
Which entraps and degrades until…

… the negativity has been cut away
my roots exposed, naked and afraid

will continue forward
Towards the water, towards newness, towards growth

***All photos by EMcCalla

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling…no. Running, Wobbling, Running…

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling…no. Running, Wobbling, Running…

Marathon #2 sits on the horizon and, god willingGod Willing I’ll cross that line again.

Marathon #1 was an all-out disaster that almost didn’t happen due to my mom’s illness but did happen due to my mom’s illness and her unrelenting push for me to train.

I trained through, tears, stress, worry and crossed the line many times arguing with incompetent doctors who destroyed my mom’s will to live and her health


I finally crossed THAT LINE at the end of the marathon which my mom did not live to see.

-Actually, she did see, for she was on the corner of Sackett Street and Fourth Avenue, just not in this realm and as I woggled towards that street, I stopped, crossed myself and bowed for the Queen.


back to Marathon #2 in which training has not officially begun but I’ve started anyway because well, I have nothing better to do than pound my knees via my feet kissing asphalt, concrete and dirt trails.

Love the trails, love my feet, love my knees, hate the dirt.IMG_0758.jpg

And at least I’m not kissing someone’s ass


I’ll tie up the laces tomorrow, that are tied already, just need to slip on the sneaker.

-(I’ll set the garmin, set the interval timer, wear the running glasses that get dark in the sun, put on the Panache Bra, set up the Spotify, put on the lip balm, make the Nunn for the water bottle, separate Tara-Habby from the treacherous cat posse  (worse than the Sharks but just like the Jets) out to dethrone the Queen ( not me this time)  and ultimately sit on the throne (corner of my bed).)

The Green Throne

And hit the road…not like Jack in Ray’s song for

I’ll be coming back, god willing.


Feelin’ Groovy, Felling Well…But…

Feelin’ Groovy, Felling Well…But…


(or rather the generic version since my insurance will not pay for the real thing)


We have a rather strange relationship.

I take it.

It takes me.


We have separated for now.

Possibly a long separation…

Although (Wellbutrin) you are noted to deliver far more than I could ever imagine,

You don’t…and


You leave my brain in a state of discombobulation, like walking through a foggy swamp, pausing long enough to see the resident croc munching on my left big toe and then later  wondering where did it go?

My sleeping is flawless as you cruise through my blood, leading me on pinkish cotton candy paths until I step on the dog s***t someone left behind.

Appetite is in check as there is no appetite, for you are a cheap date who does not pay for food, you as a foodie who loves to boast about consuming,  but once I run away from you, my chomping mouth is on non-stop mode, savouring all the non-delicacies your stinginess denied.   download.jpg

Liver values checked every three months, just to make sure you’re not taking more than you should and yes, thank you my liver is quite clever at leavin’ you wishing and hoping


Getting back to what was initially stated,

Wellbutrin and I are separated for now.

Maybe indefinitely.    pills

Maybe forever as was the case of my first so called civil court matrimony union to a man who thought I was wacko anyway…


You are a wonder drug for some.

For me, too many questions on what you bring to the table…

What you have you done for me?…

Ms Jackson…if you’re nasty.



***BTW-Be so very careful-make sure you research and familiarize yourself with Wellbutrin. If you post ignorant statements, beware…





Depression hurts…

Depression hurts…

“Suicide thoughts?”
No. If I commit suicide I’ll have nothing to be depressed about anymore.

“Problems eating or regurgitating food?
No. Food and I have a mad love relationship. Everyday I’m busy trying to consume as much as I can-why go through the trouble of trying to get rid of it?

“Feeling of hopelessness and despair?”
Yes. The world at times has attempted to suffocate me.

Oh yes, well I have dogs. I choose alone!

“Loss of interest in activities?”
Well…yeah, gaining xx amount of pounds does not encourage me to get out in the park and roller blade in a tank top and shorts anytime soon.

Based on my answers to a series of screening questions, I was diagnosed with depression. My primary care doctor officially and medically placed me in the mild zone of the depression spectrum-not the high or the low but the mild-whatever that means-kidding, I know what it means.

Depression hurts…

It paralyzes mí alma (soul) and drives mí cuerpo (body) into a catatonic state. It is intimidating as it towers over me and devours my ability to self-control. It can also be possessive and demanding as no others are allowed to compete with its hold.

If my depression lasts a day, I can pull through by way of engagement with what I love to do-writing, reading and playing piano. If it stays around longer, I shut down, become lethargic and hide within the comforts of myself.

Depression is frustrating because I have yet to figure out how long it plans to hang out in the fog within my being. But, it does have a way of announcing its arrival which is not by a horse drawn golden chariot or sitting atop a billowy grey cloud. A trigger is what my depression needs in order to arrive and it’s always dressed in its finest.

Examples of some of my Triggers:

1. Aggravation from work
2. Tobias or Pi Patel sick with something
3. Weight
4. Bad ride on the subway
5. Clothes not fitting because of the weight
6. Things not going according to plan
7. Ignored or having my ideas not taken seriously
8. Detangling my hair
…This can go on but it stops here.

My triggers are not a consequence of the situations themselves but my reaction to the situations which in turn brings on the depression.    

My reactions to the above situations:

1a. Inability to think coherently and reacting emotionally
2a. Stress and the unknown leading to loss of control
3a. Emotional eating
4a. People who don’t know the proper usage of “excuse me” and “I’m sorry” especially when my toe is smashed by a stiletto heel
5a. What the hell am I going to wear now?
6a. Why me? I know. Because I am so stupid!
7a. I guess I truly am stupid
8a. I hate my hair, I hate myself
…This can go on but it stops here.

This was depression before Wellbutrin.

Now, depression with Wellbutrin does not hurt as much.

***Wellbutrin effects are different for everyone. What worked for me, may not work for you. Talk to your health care provider for more information.