Mental health

Since I stopped drinking…

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Another part of my LENTEN observance involves drinking. Forty days and forty nights of alcohol abstinence.

Do I have a drinking problem? I don’t think so.

But…

Denial is difficult to overcome when nowadays the definition of alcoholism is so varied.

I have not had a glass of red/white wine, a vodka martini with three olives, double bourbon on the rocks in twenty-six days. Having two glasses of wine a night was a norm with the occasional martini/bourbon drink on the weekend. With the drinking, came the munching of cheese, salt, chocolate or whatever food complemented the drink at hand.

It has not been easy to not drink alcohol.

Social outings have diminished as most of the people I surround myself with drink. Then again, most of the people I surround myself with drink alcohol at bars. Social drinking is social drinking. We drink and socialize. Could we socialize without the drinking? Probably.

It has not been easy to not drink alcohol.

The glasses of wine I looked forward to after working an emotionally and physical shift are gone. Now I drink hot chocolate or chamomile or ginger tea. I no longer sit in front of the TV watching SVU re-runs, munching on bags of chips as Stabler and Benson solve a case. My class work is done on time and I actually retain the reading assignments.

Since I stopped drinking:20140331_072808 (2)

I have lost five pounds
Blood pressure reduced
Pulse is lower
Morning fog brain is gone
Active instead of sedentary-back to penguin running and registered to run a 5k in July
Junk food drastically cut down
Eating home food instead of ordering in
One restaurant outting-dinner with a diet coke
My glass is neither half-empty or half full-it is completely empty

What happens after forty days and nights of abstinence from alcohol? Will I return to old habits or is this experience a wake-up call towards better health.

It has not been easy to not drink alcohol.

To be or not to be…

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I am THE self-saboteur of the most unflinching kind. The irony in honouring myself with the title lies in my inability to realize when my self- sabotaging occurs. I guess that’s why I’m so good at it-it takes years to discover the outcome of the self-sabotage but only seconds to execute and dissolve what might have been.

At this time, going into specifics and personal details of my past self-sabotages, would only ignite sadness. Picking through the rubble of horribly made decisions and rediscovering the skeleton remains of their consequences is not a good thing for the alma (soul). A quick backward glance at the past does permit clarity and sometimes answers into the cause of the self-sabotage but as long as the glance remains a glance. Wallowing in the realization of the destruction caused by self- sabotage can do permanent harm.

‘Googling’ a fixed definition on what self-sabotage is, resulted in endless hits of personal sites with personal testaments too endless to write in this blog.

Instead, I will write my own.

The act of self-sabotage is personal and involves disrupting the outcome of a possibly good thing unfolding for the self. For example, take an attempt to climb the corporate ladder. The credentials and degrees are in place, the years in the biz accumulated and the references secured but the interview for the VP of such and such departments takes less than 10 minutes. By wearing sneakers and not removing the large silver hoops in the nose piercings, the candidate sabotaged the chance for promotion. One could say, the forgetting to dress appropriate is legit, but seriously, if you really want that job or feel you truly deserve it, you would not forget to remove the piercings and most certainly would endure the pain of five-inch heels or shoe tip pinchers to get the job.

Of course, this is sedate compared to how far and deep self-sabotage can go.

Relationships can be self-sabotaged when one wants more than the other wants and seeks to cement an inseparable bond as in a pregnancy, which appears unplanned though really planned.  Feelings of worthlessness and creating situations which reinforce these negative feelings are usually led by self-sabotage as in: I’m fat, so I’ll keep on eating, since I’m fat anyway, and I’ll never get skinny, I might as well keep on eating, Lay’s potato chips, one chip at a time until the whole bag is gone…and then since I gained 10 pounds, I’ll get another bag…this ends here.

Is there a solution towards ending the self-sabotage reign?

I guess acknowledging the sabotaging is the first step. Then a search for triggers, which is what makes it happen to begin with, and then analyzing the possible root cause behind the self-sabotage.  And finally, finding help in coming to terms with it. stop-self-sabotage-behaviour

For me, self-sabotage is about control and negative feelings. Often, my worried state of mind tends to frolic in the past, skip through the present and sit anxiously awaiting for the grass to grow in the future. It is critical for my state of mind to be in the present.

As the sage Oogway in “Kung Fu Panda”, said to Po Ping, “…You are too concern about what was and what will be… Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift…that’s why it is called present…”

 

*illustration from the web

If I frustrate you, will you frustrate me…

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imagesfrus•tra•tion
[ fru stráysh’n ]

1. dissatisfaction: a feeling of disappointment, exasperation, or weariness caused by goals being thwarted or desires unsatisfied
2. frustrating of somebody or something: an act or instance of causing somebody or something to be dissatisfied or unfulfilled
3. something that thwarts: something that blocks, thwarts, and upsets somebody all at the same time

-Frustration begins as a speck on my eyelash then erupts into a sty

-It consumes and attaches to the muscles in my neck and back with a vice-like grip, akin to a dog’s teeth holding fast to rawhide

-Seldom does a dog get frustrated at the rawhide, for the rawhide slowly unravels and dismantles under the endless gnawing leaving the sated dog justified

-My neck and back muscles clench up in the kind of tightness a heating pad will not ALWAYS dissolve

-My tolerance towards frustration is low, extremely low –Frustration+Low Tolerance=Stress

-AND that leads to mass consumption of Pringles original which adds layer upon layer of fat unto my belly which makes it difficult for my Gastroenterologist to feel my organs and let’s not mention what my Gyno goes through!!!!!

-Frustration is worse than the green-eyed monster for it is colourless and obscure, seeking shelter beneath all other psychological stuff, while jealousy…well it’s almost always apparent and it really is green!

-Cartoon characters are consistently forced into frustration in order to make the reader laugh, like poor Charlie Brown’s obsession with the football and its outcome

-or the Coyote

-the Wolf with the pigs

-Elmer Fudd

-Sylvester

-this stops here.

-If payroll is due by 5pm Tuesday and the supervisor in department A turns it in on Wednesday at 12pm would I be arrested for giving him/her Ex-lax disguised as Hershey?

-Frustration will be here FOREVER. How I choose to deal with its effects on me is my problem-only…

**image from the internet

Thank you…

/ Anelemc / 10 Comments

Watched a replay of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductions on television and felt an intense respect towards the awardees for their lists of “Thank You” shout outs to those who shaped and maneuvered their careers. As in many interviews following an awards show, the recipient will apologize for leaving out that one important name, usually the spouse or significant other who, while supportive of their artistic other halves, dealt with a lonely household.

A public “Thank You” is gratitude and acknowledgement-giving credit where credit is due, sought of, you scratched my back, now I will scratch yours.

Often, “Thank you” is omitted from our vocabulary. Maybe we have become complacent or self absorbed to the point where acknowledging another’s deeds takes the spotlight away from ourselves.

Thank you-I appreciate what you have to offer.

Thank you-your contribution to this project was awesome.

Thank you-for doing what you had to do to get the job done.

Thank you-for donating your time.

For the most part, I try to give of myself anonymously. It is nice to remain in the background, viewing the results of my hard work and knowing the impetus for the work lies in serving a higher caller, which in turn, helps the greater good. If a “Thank You” flows my way-Wonderful! If not, no problem.

But…

The effects of a past weekend’s lack of “Thank You” in regards to my participation in an important event had me feeling bad. My Sunday routine was sacrificed in order to pick up an item and bring it to the planned event. I franticly ran up and down aisles from store to store in search of another item necessary to compliment the first item and inhaled (through my mouth) a Kit Kat bar for breakfast due to time constraints and poor planning (on my part). This was okay. I felt nothing but joyous anticipation and was happy during the event and glowing afterwards.

But…the following weekend…I learnt a lesson.

The dynamics change when a group effort with shelved out duties are involved. Before publicly announcing and publishing names in a “Thank You” speech, caution and critical thinking should be implemented before the letters of the alphabet go unto to that piece of paper. Play it safe, and if there is a group to thank, mention the group as a whole to avoid what happened to me.

The “Thank You” shout out of names for the event I participated in was published and publicly announced-EXCEPT my name, which was Left Out Completely.

I felt like one of Lazarus’ wounds waiting for the dog! I felt bad and that sent me into a feeling of worthlessness, alienation, and a depressed state of mind.  Through ruminations, talking and venting, denial and finally acceptance, the feeling bad feeling dissipated.

The lack of “Thank You” brought about a new understanding of the importance of being acknowledge and knowing someone was grateful. The acceptance part was hard but knowing there were some who knew of my input and responded to my omission verbally with, “ I saw what you did”, “You took the time to do…”, made up for it.

I will not go into specifics as to how it happened, why I think it happened, forgiveness or any other crap that comes up, for it is irrelevant and I may start to sound as a slighted BULLHORN.

I will carry forward, stronger from the experience with a major adjustment to my psyche.

And…

I will always acknowledge and show gratitude to those who have helped me by a THANK YOU that comes from mi corazón ( heart) y alma (soul)!

Feeling mattered vs Feeling needed

/ Anelemc / 2 Comments

At one time, I thought feeling mattered and feeling needed were the same, just different wording. Well, along with the wording feeling mattered and feeling needed are different.

Feeling needed is dependency.
My mom depends on me to help with lifting heavy objects, I, in turn feel needed or am needed.    

Feeling needed can be a good thing. 
Who does not want or need to feel special and depended upon?

Feeling needed can be a bad thing.
Who wants to deal with stress and emotional strangulation when you cannot fulfill the needs of another?

Feeling mattered is to contribute.
Without my typing skills, the paper would not be completed. I, alone with my typing contribution made an impact on the publication.

Feeling mattered is a good thing.
Who does not like feeling like the ‘King of the World’ at times?

Feeling mattered can be a bad thing.
What happens when the feeling mattered feelings do not happen as often as we would like?

Feeling needed gives us purpose and allows us to love others, at times, above ourselves. Feeling mattered does an ego good and allows us self worth and pride.

Complainers

/ Anelemc / 2 Comments

I work part time at a homeless women’s’ mental health shelter. It is not the most desirable job but it helps to pay the bills, offers insurance (if it ever kicks in) and allows me to assist a population often neglected and discarded in society. The shelter is a new beginning for most of the clients for many come off the streets, jail and abusive environments. The shelter along with health and mental health services provided, offer the clients a chance at rebuilding their lives. Counseling and treating their mental health issues allows the clients to regain control and responsibilities of their lives. The ultimate goal of the shelter is to provide these women permanent housing and the tools to exist in society with a mental illness.

Some of the obstacles the clients deal with:

Unprotected sex
HIV/AIDS/HEP B
Medical complications-Diabetes,
Hypertension, Anemia
Loneliness
Isolation
Schizophrenia
Bipolar
Depression
Obesity
Hygiene
Socialization
Combativeness
Loss of children and family
Homelessness

I have grown less tolerant of complainers since working in this environment and most especially, complainers consumed with complaining ignoring fortune and gratitude in their lives. The complainers are not grateful for what they have during economic crisis and in comparison to what the clients at this shelter have.

Complainers complain.

I hate my job.
You have a job and have medical insurance.

I do not make enough money.
You have a job, have medical insurance and went to the Met last Monday
night to see an opera.

The job stresses me out.
You have a job, have medical insurance, went to the Met to see an opera
last Monday night and got a pedi/mani on Friday as consolation to the stressed
out work week.

 I am broke.
You make 50,000 a year, live in your own apartment, have a job, have medical
insurance, went to the Met last Monday night to see an opera and got a
pedi/mani on Friday as consolation to the stressed out work week.

This can continue but it stops here.