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Forgive and forget…no

How does one forgive when the hurt is too great?

Raised up in a Catholic school environment from first grade onward, I believed to forgive was to let go of the hurt inflicted from another. Forgiveness was akin to confession. You acknowledge the hurt, let it go and move on. The party who wronged you would be grateful for the forgiveness and be forever at the mercy of the one-you- who afforded them a respite akin to what HE almighty would have given them.

Bull to the s**t!

Forgiveness comes back…to bite the hand that you thought forgave ya.

Yeah.

I can rant and rave ‘bout the many who wronged me, done me no good and I carry on saying, “I forgive and forget”, mind you, I did do the forgiving, but if you thought I forgot what you did to me when I was down and out…you got another thing coming.

I do not forget.

Nor do I easily forgive. images

Why?

Cause the damage you inflicted upon me is as bad as your thoughts on the tattoos that grace my body.

You can look at me and smile, meanwhile in your pigheaded brain you’re like, “Damn what the F… Why did she go and ink herself up?

That’s what so called forgiveness is for me. I can look at you and say, “It does not matter. What’s done is done. I forgive you and let’s move on”.  Meanwhile my imaginary daggers laced with the venom of angry queen bees is right above your head awaiting countdown to launch!

Yeah baby!

Forgiveness is earned not given.

I earn my race medals through practice and hard work. Not by the magic words, “I forgive you”.

I train, practice and work out what fits in and what needs to go.

If only FORGIVENESS were that simple.

 

***image from the www

 

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The Christian thing to do…

At one time, I thought being a part of a church would lead to spiritual growth.

At one time, I thought parishioners cared about the health and well-being of one another.

At one time, I thought attending services would lead to understanding and deeper appreciation of the Holy Scriptures.

I thought wrong.

Just because one is, a Christian does not automatically make them one and then again, my definition on what a Christian should be is just that, my definition.  My Christianity or what I believe defines me as one, are based on my own experiences and interactions within the church. No two experiences are similar, nor are scripture interpretations, prayers said, if at all, after communion, or what hat is appropriate for Easter. Christianity is a self-thing not communal as I once thought, which, proved to be wrong as well.

The Ten Commandments are a Christians’ guide to living life, but what one perceives as coveted could be another’s’ striving to attain the American dream. (Although the six room mansion with an indoor pool and marble bathroom is a bit much). If we truly loved one another, we would put forth the love we’d like to receive and not bear false witness with gossiping, lying, and acting incredibly cruel because we can. We would not cheat, murder (squashing an idea before it has roots is murder of the mind kind), or say, “OMG” at the slightest impulse or adulation of whatever.

Lessons I rather not learn are learnt. 551-001

Christians or parishioners are not the apostles, nor is the preacher, Jesus or God.

At one time, I thought, at least at my church, we, the parishioners were to mimic the apostles in spreading the good word and treating each other with love and kindness, as Jesus taught.

At one time, I thought the priest, preacher, rector or whatever the correct pc title is, were the instruments of God and through Jesus’ life and preaching would lead by example.

I thought wrong.

What I find are parishioners who are mean, afraid and quite frankly, lost. What I find is conflict and abusiveness with the leadership. What I find is a person, me, who once so adored her church, torn with a lack of trust in what is said and done. Well, what is said and not done or what should be said and done or not doing or saying anything at all.

I don’t know if I am the Christian I would like to be. It is hard to tear away the layers and see the truth that maybe in some way I am like those whom I criticize. Worse, is seeing the truth and not knowing what to do with it.

Transitions continue, welcomed or not, bearing good news or showing up the ugly truths.

Instead of participating in this Lenten season, I find quietness, comfort and solace within my Forward Movement, at home with a bag of Frito lays.

The Silent One

Our society, in just about every profession or social engagement only hears those who boast the loudest and ignore those who remain silent.  This is especially true when ‘ good deeds done  or charitable works for others are involved.

There are those who grab and hang onto the BULLHORNS (those who brag too loudly) to announce their good deeds to the world.
Yes, I donated $1000 to the such and such fund and plan to donate another grand to that other such and such fund. And, did I mention I also gave such and such fund over $500 dollars last year.

Others boast in a whisper (you know who they are), not to be associated with the ‘BULLHORNS’ but nonetheless making sure their good deeds are known.
Oh, I see my name is in the brochure. How thoughtful of them to recognize my contribution. Oh yes, we give every year and will continue to do so. Well we withheld our contribution two years ago after I noticed we weren’t mentioned in the brochure.

Yet, others diligently and quietly (they have no need to say anything at all), carry out their good deeds.
** silence**

I have the privilege of knowing one who is a ‘BULLHORN’ and another who is ‘silent’.

Which one do you think has my respect and admiration?

Not the ‘BULLHORN’!

The ‘silent’ one does carpentry, plumbing and handy man jobs at our church and he does not charge for his work or hours put in. Yes, his work is free. The ‘silent’ one is a quiet soul who usually thinks well and hard before speaking and views his work as a pledge to the church’s ministry- meaning, he gives of his heart through his hands what he cannot give of his wallet in dollars and cents.

I volunteered to assist the ‘silent’ one for two days on a carpentry project at our church. His serene attitude towards the scope of the work at hand, attention to detail, enthusiasm and getting the job done correctly was infectious. The work was hard, and he took the time to explain the tools of the trade, measurements, and techniques. I was sore, had trouble standing after the first day of work but the feeling of accomplishment and joy within the work environment outweighed the pain. I was satisfied spiritually, intellectually, and felt my contribution had more of an impact than at my so-called paying part-time job.

So I thank the ‘silent’ one for reaffirming in my sometimes doubtful mind that there are good people out there who share my faith but also are role models for giving to others unselfishly without the ‘BULLHORN’.

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