Posted on by Anelemc · 10 Comments

Thank you…

Watched a replay of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductions on television and felt an intense respect towards the awardees for their lists of “Thank You” shout outs to those who shaped and maneuvered their careers. As in many interviews following an awards show, the recipient will apologize for leaving out that one important name, usually the spouse or significant other who, while supportive of their artistic other halves, dealt with a lonely household.

A public “Thank You” is gratitude and acknowledgement-giving credit where credit is due, sought of, you scratched my back, now I will scratch yours.

Often, “Thank you” is omitted from our vocabulary. Maybe we have become complacent or self absorbed to the point where acknowledging another’s deeds takes the spotlight away from ourselves.

Thank you-I appreciate what you have to offer.

Thank you-your contribution to this project was awesome.

Thank you-for doing what you had to do to get the job done.

Thank you-for donating your time.

For the most part, I try to give of myself anonymously. It is nice to remain in the background, viewing the results of my hard work and knowing the impetus for the work lies in serving a higher caller, which in turn, helps the greater good. If a “Thank You” flows my way-Wonderful! If not, no problem.

But…

The effects of a past weekend’s lack of “Thank You” in regards to my participation in an important event had me feeling bad. My Sunday routine was sacrificed in order to pick up an item and bring it to the planned event. I franticly ran up and down aisles from store to store in search of another item necessary to compliment the first item and inhaled (through my mouth) a Kit Kat bar for breakfast due to time constraints and poor planning (on my part). This was okay. I felt nothing but joyous anticipation and was happy during the event and glowing afterwards.

But…the following weekend…I learnt a lesson.

The dynamics change when a group effort with shelved out duties are involved. Before publicly announcing and publishing names in a “Thank You” speech, caution and critical thinking should be implemented before the letters of the alphabet go unto to that piece of paper. Play it safe, and if there is a group to thank, mention the group as a whole to avoid what happened to me.

The “Thank You” shout out of names for the event I participated in was published and publicly announced-EXCEPT my name, which was Left Out Completely.

I felt like one of Lazarus’ wounds waiting for the dog! I felt bad and that sent me into a feeling of worthlessness, alienation, and a depressed state of mind.  Through ruminations, talking and venting, denial and finally acceptance, the feeling bad feeling dissipated.

The lack of “Thank You” brought about a new understanding of the importance of being acknowledge and knowing someone was grateful. The acceptance part was hard but knowing there were some who knew of my input and responded to my omission verbally with, “ I saw what you did”, “You took the time to do…”, made up for it.

I will not go into specifics as to how it happened, why I think it happened, forgiveness or any other crap that comes up, for it is irrelevant and I may start to sound as a slighted BULLHORN.

I will carry forward, stronger from the experience with a major adjustment to my psyche.

And…

I will always acknowledge and show gratitude to those who have helped me by a THANK YOU that comes from mi corazón ( heart) y alma (soul)!

Posted on by Anelemc · 3 Comments

Brother, can you spare some empathy?

It is important to be true to your beliefs whatever they mean or however you define them. As long as your beliefs are sound, non-threatening physically or emotionally to another and places no one in harms’ way.

Most importantly there are no reasons to doubt or disregard beliefs which motivate you towards feeling empathy for others. Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Empathy dwells in the heart, prompted by emotions and connectedness.  When a situation arises that requires its attention, it comes forth to the surface. How do you deal with your empathy?

My empathy lies in helping others, always in time of need or not, such as, assisting a parishioner up the stairs during communion, holding the door for another and not taking it personally if a thank you does not follow, offering to assist in various tasks around church and sometimes at home, etc.

I often have feelings of helplessness and a longing to have others come to my aid in time of need or not, such as, after my shoulder surgery, during mom, my mom’s chemo, etc.  I, alone am to blame for lack of empathy during these times. It was difficult to ask for help or accept empathy from another because my self-control was challenged.

I do however, find it extremely annoying and aggravating when others, especially those in the field of servicing choose to place an alarm system around their hearts, conveniently forgetting the code and forcing empathy to idle in darkness.

There are times when a slap upside the head to the one ignorant of helping another, would make me feel better. But… I do not care to have the Po-Po  called on my behalf nor do I subscribed to might equals right to get my way or better yet, who am I to project unto others what I would do.

I do not have the right to react in any other way but to help as best as I can in any given situation.

Posted on by Anelemc · 6 Comments

Emotional Pain

Pain-not the physical one but the emotional, deep down one that resonates from a memory of a conflict in which the receiver is left with the deposit of a throbbing, scorched, branded entity driven between the layers of the soul. And oh, so difficult to expel once its roots have found anchor.

Physical pain touches the internal or external surfaces of our bodies and produces a reaction.

A face will squeeze into a grimace, unstoppable tears flow, moaning, sighing, rocking back and forth, will dissolve once the pain ceases. Physical pain, on most occasions, leaves a visible mark for the trained and untrained eye to discover. It makes it presence known, outwardly or inwardly and arrogantly. It occurs with warning, sometimes without. It is unpredictable or predictable, quiet or loud. A simple aspirin may reduce its strength; a Vicodin will obliterate it.

Emotional pain.

Set to pounce, by way of a simple trigger, leading the soul into dark caverns without a flashlight, map or a tour guide. The bearer can easily present a smile to the world while the emotional pain carries out its silent torment inside.  It is a coward and adores sucking the fight out its intended victims. It is devious and rots away the foundation of the soul’s vibrancy and pulse. It strangles, suffocates and asphyxiates, leaving the soul disjointed, discombobulated and sucked dry like a prune in a vacuum-packed canister.

If a snap of my finger or the sucking of my lips (Jamaican style) could make the emotional pain disappear, I’d be moving forward right about now, skipping through the Long Meadow at Prospect Park and drinking ONE glass of wine a week, while aging gracefully with my weight in check.

But, no, it’s not that easy.

Analyzing, obsessive rumination, age, endless amounts of wine (preferable white) and most importantly FORGIVENESS helps at times to uproot the emotional pain from its anchor onto a more level field.  On other occasions, analyzing, obsessive rumination, age and endless amounts of wine (usually red) will impale FORGIVENESS and use it as fertilizer for the roots of emotional pain to attach deeper to the soul.

But, with darkness comes light…

With the help of therapy or alone, with a self-help book (New York Times bestseller) or a conversation with a close friend or stranger, healing emotional pain is possible.

Layer by layer or in a huge clump, dissected, torn to shreds or pieces, stomped out, extinguished or left to thaw out-emotional pain is healable.

Bring on the blow-torch and have the fire extinguisher nearby.

Change is a comin’ to my soul.

Posted on by Anelemc · 2 Comments

My Favourite Quote

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

Reading Williamson’s quote, for the first time and realizing how often I had dimmed my own light in order to let another’s shine was difficult to admit and more so difficult (and still is) to stop.

I did not ask myself, who was I to be brilliant gorgeous, talented and fabulous, but rather, I criticized, butchered and self sabotaged any of my attempts to be. Playing small, protected me and kept others from emotionally hurting me at a comfortable distance. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you, protected me, once again, from others who indulged in stripping away my emotional defenses and once raw, delighted in tearing at my emotional skin. We were meant to shine, as children do, I grew up with children should be seen, seldom if possible and never heard.

Then, surprisingly, as the years progressed, I grew up emotionally and continue to do so.

You are a child of God, and yes, truly I am. And I was, born to manifest the glory of God that is within us, for to hinder or ignore HIS glory would be to deprive myself of a wonderful gift that was freely given to me. I will let my own light shine, although there are times when the output may fluctuate between 25-150 watts, but nonetheless, it will shine.  And, as I celebrate my own light so will others around me for joy is infectious, unless one has been inoculated.

I continue to struggle with liberation from my own fears and eventually, I will get there.

Posted on by Anelemc

Forgiveness

“Phyllis Ferguson, mother of the Chardon High School shooting victim Demetrius Hewlin, told ABC News that if she had the chance to talk to suspected gunman T.J. Lane, “I would tell him I forgive him because, a lot of times, they don’t know what they’re doing. That’s all I’d say.” (ABC news site)

This interview appeared on a TV network news broadcast. Phyllis Ferguson, whose son was murdered, spoke these words calmly and serenely. Her stoic presence along with the impact of her words affected my usual nonchalant reaction to what I deemed as yet another ‘sensationalism take on a news story’. Instead of changing the channel, I sat on my couch, watched the remainder of the interview, and cried.

Ferguson’s son, Demetrius, along with several other students, was shot while socializing amongst friends in their school’s cafeteria. Some of the students survived while Demetrius and two others died in the hospital. The apprehended gunman, a student also at the same school is now awaiting trial.

The crime was horrific, the scars left on the survivors, and those who knew the victims are incomprehensible in my view.  I have not lost someone to a violent crime and pray it will not happen. The teenage gunman, acted alone, heartless and calculatingly cruel in his decision to arrive at school that day with the knowledge he would terminate and cripple lives. Who made him GOD? What right did, He, posses to execute and extinguish lives? The entitlement and judgment were his alone and I feel anger towards him, balancing on hatred, without the knowledge of his background story. I am judging a person I do not know.

A mother lost her son to murder and had justification to hate the shooter and to speak ill of him and his family. Instead of doing so, Phyllis Ferguson chose to not let hate fester within her. She chose to forgive and in doing so allowed the memories of her son to remain pure in her heart not overshadowed by hatred or worse yet, to allow the hatred to fester within the memories of her son. Now when she reflects on her son, she can relate to pure memories instead of memories tainted of her son with the afterthought of the shooter.

I admire Phyllis Ferguson, for her strength, courage and faith. Her actions, in a time of emotional trauma exemplify true Christianity. Thank you Phyllis Ferguson and God Bless.

“I taught Demetrius not to live in the past, to live in today and forgiveness is divine. You have to forgive everything. God’s grace is new each and every day”.-Phyllis Ferguson

Posted on by Anelemc

Women on the verge…

For the past eight months, I have been fortunate to work at a part-time job with limited benefits. I say fortunate because of the lack of job availability or options. Thanks to a church member’s recommendation, I was able to secure the job.

Unemployment was an albatross for a long time. My earnings went from a high-five figured salary to zero, to another five-figure salary but this time way down the numeric line. Bookkeeper, Administrator, Special Ed teacher, are titles of the past garnered from a Master’s from a prestigious university and a Master of Science from a not so prestigious college. My current title is, “File Clerk”.

I now work as a file clerk in a homeless women’s’ shelter.

I now work as a file clerk in a mental health homeless women’s’ shelter.

I now work as a file clerk in a mental health homeless women’s’ shelter surrounded by housing projects in a not so desirable part of town.

The search for full-time work with a different title continues, as the part-time work brings in a steady source of income. Some money is definitely better than no money.

The shelter.

The women at the shelter are a mix of ages, races and multitudes of mental health diagnosis-from depression to psychotic. Clients (the women) have endured domestic violence, sexual abuse, incarceration, abandonment, etc., compounded by untreated mental illness. This combination has left many unable to function within society.

The shelter culture, as my director states, is reminiscent of high school cliques. Jocks, nerds, beauty queens, popular, class clowns, stoners are present in the cafeteria only on an adult female level. There are those with seniority (years at the shelter) who are matrons, sought of the welcome committee who console those newly admitted to the shelter.

Yes, a client is admitted, usually from a referring agency, no walk-ins. Once admitted, a bed and room are assigned. The shelter provides three full meals, shower facilities, laundry as well as toiletries. Free medical checkups, psychiatric services and counseling are also provided and a requirement towards securing housing. Check out from the rooms is 10:00am and check in/sign in begins at 5pm. Some clients spend the entire day sitting in the cafeteria, which, also functions as a recreation room. The clients engage in card games, music, conversations, socializing, fights, verbal and some physical, takes place on a daily basis.

The goal of the shelter is to place the clients in permanent shared or single dwelling housing within special housing facilities. The shelter is a stepping-stone for the clients. A place to pause, get back on track, take personal responsibility and gain understanding of their mental illness which leads to self-care.

I spend twenty-one hours a week in this shelter working amongst the clients who visit the clinic for medical, psychiatric and counseling appointments.  I listen to their plights, offer encouragement and direct them through proper channels to obtain services. Remaining distant and aloof is not an option. It is impossible not to care no matter how difficult a client is or can be.