Morning Nature News in Cornwall Connecticut…

6:30am in the morning
I’m sitting outside on a green bench facing the Housatonic River. My intention was to dump my feelings via calligraphy pen unto my journal.

Photo: EMC/IMOB

Instead
I decided to listen to the morning news broadcasting in nature.
Birds stationed at multiple locations throughout the 55 acres, report the first segment with chirps and bleeps in various tones and pitch. 

It’s a good day to be alive.”
Starts the morning news.
“Due to the late night rain storm, it’s a perfect morning for good eating on the ground. We have a large selection to choose from. Worms and ants, lady bugs and if you’re in the mood for a challenge, a humming bird was spotted early on. 
 I’m particularly fond of mosquitos due to their high blood protein content but will have to wait till early evening.”  Reporter :Joe Crow

Photo:EMC/IMOB

Today’s Weather
“Cooler temperatures predicted for this overcast day with a 50% chance of showers by 7pm.”  Reporter: Jane Nimbostratus cloud

*Commercial Break brought to you by the Housatonic River where fly fishing is welcomed as long as you leave behind what landed on your hook*

Neighbourhood watch
“The trees are actively communicating through their deep roots underground and report Tree # 16 is passing into shade and the Turkey Vultures have taking residence in the upper branches. Tune in at 5pm for an update on Tree #16”.  
Reporter: Stinky Pine Trees

Photo:EMC/IMOB

Sanitation
“The 6:30am sanitation train is running on schedule with no delays. Have a great start to your morning and be sure to tune in to our evening broadcast at 5pm and 11pm.” Reporter: Cyrus Turkey Vulture

Photo: EMC/IMOB

My mood in clouds…or from both sides now

Brain in spasms 
Thoughts bouNcinG on the membrane, 
bOunCing off the membrane
BoUnCiNg… 

* EMC

Walked outside looked up
Clouds
Bouncing stopped
Restored, reset
I begin my morning

Confusing and self-doubt
Exploring possibilities
relocation, restoration, resurrection
Water, liquid water

* EMC

Across the Hudson
Clouds
Confusion now clarity
Self-doubt now security
I begin my afternoon

Shit waits for no one
It passes you by
It rolls on forever
Like the clouds in the sky*

*EMC

Shit happens
Clouds
Sometimes it’s good
Most times it’s bad
I begin my evening

Spasms 
Thoughts bouNcinG on the brain  
bOunCing off the membrane
BoUnCiNg… 

* EMC

Walked outside looked up
Clouds
Evening turns to night
Depleted mi alma drained
To bed hibernate

*Helen Forrest

Memory Box or…How Many Times Does The Word Memory Appear

My memories are stored in a Memory box located somewhere in mi alma (soul) and accessed through the head. It is not made of rose gold or lined with fancy crystals, no lock or combination to enter or exit. The Memory box is invisible as are the memories stored inside. Like all other boxes, there is a limit as to how much can be stored. In the case of the Memory box in which memories are thrown in haphazardly it can be trying when it comes to cleaning out the rubbish-what to keep, what is of no consequence and of course, there are the ones we would like to burn.

We all know what happens when we refuse to clean…

Memories are a tricky lot. Some are laments, regrets, pain, joy, happiness, and anger with a bit of mad tossed in. Memories have the ability to teach us lessons, that is, if we pay attention. Some try hard to forget them while others spend too much time in them, in the box, going through the clutter, ruminating over opportunities lost and not seeing opportunities gained. 

And…
We all know what happens when the clutter wins…

I have 58 years of memories stacked in my box and the ones before 7 years of age are not accessible. Good memories are as fresh, vibrant as the day they happened, bad ones are fuzzy fading colours and trauma comes in stark black and white. Those are the ones you can’t throw out. They are there for keeps, reminding you of the space they take up when least expected. The trick is to confront them, waddle in them, bring them close, hug them tight, then let them go. They will still be in the box but the space they take up will not be so overwhelming.

And…
We all know trauma is not good but if we acknowledge it, healing can occur…

***photos from the world wide web

From me…or Hang on

August 3, 2019 -5:23AM 

“I think we all struggle with that unreasonable guilt, E***a, and it is unreasonable, isn’t it? Certainly, my Dad who loved me so well my entire life would want me to live whole and free, right? Of course, he would. It’s just all part of this gut-wrenching process we all have to suffer through. Be thankful for those sparks. Fan them into flame. Live that life to honor your loved one but more so for yourself and the world who needs your particular gifts.”

-Response to a post I wrote on a grief board

Grief amidst a worldwide pandemic mixed in with addiction is not pretty in any colour. 

But the body and mind can longer accept alcoholic as self-medication to make the world seem right. Grief chased down with bourbon needs to rise up and be dealt with. 

So, I …

Hang on for a day
The past is acknowledged, the future not ruminated on. The present? Front, Center and Back.  Because that is all that matters.

Hang on for another day
“An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature”-Big Book
Finished the twelfth steps, now what? 

Hang on
The desire to run, do a gym work out, bang on the piano or even write has faded for Anger and Hangovers no longer fuel, mi alma (soul). 

Hang on for yet another day
Sobriety dulled my creativity or rather my creativity refuses to emerge through a clear thinking alma (soul).

Photo by EMC

Hang on for a day
I have yet to print out those medical records, afraid of what may be revealed, afraid I’ll gain more truths into my inadequacies fueled by alcohol into how I was not there for you-figuratively.

Still hanging on
Have not attempted to finish my piece on “One year without you” for one year has now turned into three years without you.

August 30, 2019 -12:10PM 

Hang tight-you will fly once your wings unfold. You will find a place either in this realm or another where you are loved & appreciated for being just you with all your quirky talents, flowing forth like glitter. Be Strong!”

                                                                         -Note from me to me

AF…or Can’t Stand Losing You

I LOVE Chardonnay
Lox and cream cheese
Chinese take out
Sashimi
Salt and vinegar potato chips

I LOVE Cabernet
Noodles and meatballs
BBQ take out
Pizza
Pringles sour cream and chives

I LOVE Bourbon
French Fries
Chicken wings
French Fries
Chicken Wings

A cantankerous relationship we had
Through laughter, boredom and tears
Funerals, celebrations, observations and fears
I was there for you
You, here for me

My heart, loved both of you hard
But the spirit of grapes and fermented grain
Had me in regret and perpetual shame
As they never did love
LOVE, me for me

We carried on for many years
Met in the evenings and late afternoons
Then early morn before flowers bloomed IMG_1904.jpg
Love turned to hate
HATE, turned to dust

Said goodbye to you on the 1st of the month
Weeks amounted as days dissolved
And yet I held unto my resolve
No longer together we
WE, are not together

I am alone now as I’ve always been
As I was when I was with you
Though I believed it untrue
IMG_1909 copy.jpgFor how, could I be
Be, lonely, when we were

A Vent…

I am far stronger than most

not invincible…

and don’t subscribe to that bullshit

Helen Reddy song of being

I am Woman

‘Womens Rights’ only pertains to white women.

I am not…

your nanny

housecleaner

babysitter

janitor.

I own a home

you would give anything to own.

But…

you don’t.

My home comes from my uneducated Caribbean parents

who believed in their self-worth,

believed in raising their children

in a place where a landlord could not evict them.

I don’t need to preach about who I am and.   IMG_1773

justify my right to breathe the same air as you do.

Just stay the fuck out of my way

keep your pity party to yourselves and…

LET ME BE!

I am a woman of colour

respect or leave from my sight.

“Where’s the Beef?…or “No More Moo”

“Where’s the Beef?”

search

Oh boy do I remember those Wendy’s commercials of the 80”s. Truth be told, I wasn’t a big Wendy’s fan. Burger King and White Castles were my favs. Whopper Jr with onion rings or 4 White Castle burgers with fries.

Hebrew National Hotdogs, cheese, milk, sour cream, yogurt and yes…CHOCOLATE are/were my favs.

.cow

Until a dear friend, whom I consider my niece, did a horrible thing.

She posted THIS, yes THIS, on my FB page.  (Caution for empaths or those who love animals-this is brutal!)    *THIS*

Initially, I did not look at it but I had trouble sleeping that night and reached for my phone to check out FB and there it was. I viewed the video and cried me a river.giphy

No living sentient being deserves this treatment!!

I know.

My inner critic said, “Wake up and start living in the real world! This happens all the time and not just to animals-People suffer too!”  milk

The world will not be controlled and rendered civilized just from the prayers I send to HIM and I for one, cannot change the world-heck I have trouble changing my scrubs!

What I can do is change myself.

Not outsiders.

Just me.

Currently, I consume two kinds of meat: Cow and Pig.

At this moment, in the present, I do not eat cow or anything that comes from a cow. Eventually I will abstain from buying leather goods (thankfully, I found a non-leather shoe store).baby.jpg

Hopefully and God willing, I’ll be able to move onto eliminating pig, turkey, chicken and so forth.

But…

It must be done slowly and with careful planning and gradually till the change is not a change but an everyday norm.imgres

It’s what I need to do to make a difference even if there really is no difference on the grand scale of things. It’s out of respect for the wonderful animals we have on this planet.

 

 

 

 

*All images from the WWW-Hey, I live in the city not on a farm…with cute cows!!!!

If I Could Start Over Again…

If I could start over again…

I’d go to Honduras and never come back

I’d go to Jamaica and never come back

I’d go to Cuba and never come back

I’d go to Canada and never come back

I’d go to England and never come back

I’d go to Puerto Rico and RUN back (sorry)

reset

If I could start over again…

I’d play the piano instead of dabbling in photography

I’d become a Gardner

I’d stick to one career for 50 years

If I could start over again…

I’d be a Buddhist instead of a Catholic who decided later in life to be an Episcopalian who has now reverted back to a Catholic while still haphazardly trying to be a Buddhist

If I could start over again

I’d be an extrovert instead of an introvert sucking everyone’s energy instead of having my energy sucked

I’d be a selfish all consuming asshole

I’d have road rage 24/7 and then some

I’d never have empathy or compassion

I’d sprinkled my sidewalk trees with pepper to make the doggies sneeze

If I could start over again…

-I’d be a world class runner like Meb, skinny and a vegan with flawless skin and killer abs

-I’d never touch alcohol,l opting for kale/spinach/ beet smoothies instead

-I’d be a nutritionist making money off of people, telling them what to eat, then watching them fail and devise another food plan to watch the failure, then tell them what to eat etc.

If I could start all over again…

I’d live in Manhattan-Washington Heights just to say I did and I’d try the Bronx-South Bronx just to say I did

I’d leave this city once and for all, cut all ties and say “Hasta La Vista” with “Baby” included at the end

But…I can’t.

 

Muchness

More words…

Soon to come.

For a bit of a spell,

 I lost my muchness.

But… 

IT’S BACK!!!!

https://youtu.be/haiF5DOWwRo

 

Free At Last…Part 1

July 31, 2o13

After two- years working as an Admin Assistant at a MICA women’s’ shelter in downtown Brooklyn, (far from my ‘hood but going through the same gentrification which destroyed mine)..I am now FREE!

Free to pursue my interest…school and working as a Vet Tech Assistant

Free of an unhealthy environment…I no longer inhale crack cocaine, cigarettes or marijuana on a 40 hour five days a week basis

Free of verbal and abusive violence…some from the clients, most from the staff

Free of all medical and dental benefits…now is not the time to need an appendectomy

Free of a mediocre salary…now I earn enough to qualify for the status of “below the poverty line”

Free of working with others my age…we will not go there just yet, still adjusting…

As of now, I work one day a week with fill in days at a neighbourhood veterinary practice. The practice is housed in a four-story limestone building across from Prospect Park, Brooklyn, New York, and a twenty-minute walk from my house. images[1]

The owner of the practice responded to my resume posted to a vet tech employment site. He called to schedule an interview two days after receiving it and I met him one day later, 6:30pm on a Friday evening. The interview was five minutes with a twenty-minute tour of the facility. I shadowed one day a week, (no pay) for about a month and officially hired August 1.

This was my third interview for a vet tech position, older in age than most entering a new field and thankfully this one came through! The owner was impressed with my cover letter, which, states where I come from-job wise and where I would like to go -passion wise. And yes, he is older than me, which I am sure helped in the hiring decision.

I’ve learned cat and dog restraint, how to feed a finicky chinchilla medicine and most importantly dodging lethal attacks from the in house resident rescue Chihuahua who has a thing for people of colour (he was found tied to a hydrant with his bed and it is possible he was abused by a person of colour, hence his desire to attack anyone darker than an office manila folder).20130804_151201

I also learned quite a bit on laboratory testing, administering meds with a pill popper and vaccines as well as aseptic techniques and medical jargon…this can go on but it stops here.

I assisted in an abdominal exploratory surgery. The poor doggie swallowed a rubber ball and only half was expelled. The rest? Found in his intestines, which were blazing red from the intrusion. I survived the procedure, did not faint and was able to monitor his pulse, blood pressure, and anesthesia and still eat sausage later in the week.

This experience is an exciting change from sitting behind a desk in an uncomfortable chair pushing papers and each day of work brings the opportunity to learn something new.
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