The Power of goodbye or …goodbye, pretty damn much the final curtain call

Grief is lingering and continues to show its fangs when least expected.

I wish I could just stay home from work for a month, get things in order and come to terms with dealing with the new normal grief has chosen to give to me as a present san bows and glitter.

A new normal I didn’t seek. 

But…

Work is work and dictates the attendance of 35 hours a week to maintain insurance benefits along with the coveted vacation accrued hours.

Well…

Grief

is here and not going anywhere too soon.

I think it’s going to stick around until the day I draw my last breath

Hopefully seeing the dead of family past at my bedside ready to welcome me into another realm will make that last breath worth its’ draw.

But…

Related imageIn the meantime, I’ll listen to music to numb the silence.

“Pain is a warning that something’s wrong

I pray to God that it won’t be long”

 -It will forever be long for pain has no expiration date, no renewal before expiration fees, no put it on a payment plan and go

Nothing…

“There’s nothing left to try

There’s no place left to hide” 

-What is there to try? I’ve cried and cried to block away the reality of goodbye and I’ve tried to hide behind substances legal or not to no avail

There’s nothing left to lose

There’s no more heart to bruise. 

– Heck I get to leave all that busy no nonsense stuff behind because what I’ve lost can never be replaced or substituted. Pi-Patel took my heart, Toby and Marge took mi alma.

Related image

There’s no greater power

Than the power of goodby

-The power of goodbye is accepting the finality of a goodbye. A goodbye so final it leaves a void of blackness after those words leave your lips

I loved so deeply three souls that made getting up each day worthwhile… so difficult to go to bed at night knowing you won’t be there in the morning

Image result for japanese artist with dark artwork

I love you Butterfly

I love you boys

https://youtu.be/NHydngA5C4E

***images borrowed from the web –I adore the artist Avogado6  who captures my raw emotions

Serenity prayer or…feel so different

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference

Every morning I wake up with a broken heart and every night as I lay my head down on my mom’s pillow I try to keep the broken pieces from traveling far.

You are gone and it’s not even a question of accepting that reality but trying to adjust to a new reality that no longer includes you, my best friend and my mother.mom 2

October 7th, should have been a normal Sunday with you getting ready for church, asking me if I’d go and gathering your dollars for the plate collection.

Instead…

on October 7th, I woke at 2:15am and did not hear your breath with the oxygen machine.

I got up…

turned on the light and saw the look of vacancy on your face even though your eyes were closed.

I knew…

you were gone.

I felt your forehead which was warm to touch and my hand traveled to your back which was cold. I reached for my stethoscope and placed it on the honey coloured skin on top of your heart.Mom 1

No sound, no breath, an empty shell void of the pulse of life it once contained.

At first, I was relieved.

The previous day, as I held your hand, I begged you to go, to let go of the body that so betrayed you. To let go of the organs slowly shutting down. To let go of the month of starvation your body endured. To let go of the dependency on the morphine I resented giving you for I knew each dose sent you further into oblivion and I so badly wanted to see you smile at me with eyes that saw me and not death.

It is almost six months since you’ve gone.

The morphine and the Percocet sit in my medicine cabinet.

Sundays are bad and I always hold the vials in my hand contemplating, while being angry at you for not taking me with you. Each Sunday that passes the urge to take them diminishes.

You so loved life and I’m trying so hard to learn to love and dwell in it as you often wished I would.

 

Continue on…

I have no choice, trudging through trying to find the new ‘normal’ while desperately holding on to what was, knowing the was, is in the past and no longer has a place in the present.mom3

I so miss you mom, my butterfly and my best friend. You are at peace, flying through another dimension. I pray you will be there, when it’s my time, to welcome me into your world as you welcomed me into this world.

I love you.

Making my way back to …

Slowly, surely. Making my way back. So much to write. So much to ponder and cry over.

But…

Making my way back…

I’m BACK…

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Yeppers- it’s that time again-training time- for the 2019 TCS New York City Marathon and most importantly raising funds for a charity I respect and bow down to-ST JUDE CHILDREN’S RESEARCH HOSPITAL!!

St Jude Children’s Research Hospital is an organization that strives to end childhood cancer. Families never receive a bill from St Jude for treatment, travel, housing or food, allowing parents to only worry about their child.Treatments invented at St Jude have helped pushed the overall childhood cancer survival rate to more than 80% since it opened 50 years ago. The goal of St Jude’s is to drive the overall  survival rate for childhood cancer to 100%!  St. Jude also freely shares the discoveries made through research, and every child saved at St. Jude means doctors and scientists worldwide can use that knowledge to save thousands more children.

Please donate and help me give a bit back to St Jude in appreciation for the wonderful support I received through my first Brooklyn Rock n Roll Half Marathon to my first 2018 TCS New York City Marathon but MOST importantly for the kids and families this organization helps.

For more information on St Jude please check out their website: http://www.stjude.org.

-On a side note:

2018 was the year I ran my first TCS New York City Marathon and the year I lost my mom to complications from surgery related to pancreatic cancer. My mom, Margarita, encouraged me to run the marathon years ago but I waited until 2018 to seriously train for it not knowing what was to come with her health. Mom pushed me to get in the training mileage runs throughout her stay and painful procedures in the hospital. Upon her return home for hospice care she continued to push and encourage me with training. I crossed that finish line on November 4th, 2018 and although my mom was not there to see it as she had passed the month before, her spirit was with me from the starting line to getting my medal at the finish. Cancer truly sucks!

Love you Butterfly

Please visit my fundraising page and thank you!

fundraising page

Acceptance and Resignation, stronger than a hammer but not weaker than the nail or…Sometimes they come back.

Mom, my mom, would often quote a verse to me during my moments of frustration intolerance with life not going according to my plan.

“Accept the things you cannot change…”412

Oh lordy how those words bugged the crap out of me.

This is MY life, MY destiny, MY footprint on existing, MY, MY, and definitely MY!

I refused to accept, concede to, acknowledge or resign to her advice. Everything, absolutely everything can be changed with perseverance, determination and straight up ghetto refusal.

Naw man. Everything.

I have the power and ability to change, the perseverance to guide and shape while steering the helm of the wheel, the sole master of my world.

This is MY life, MY destiny, MY footprint on existing, MY, MY, and definitely MY!

Well…

HIM, yes, the one Noah built an ark for, the same one Moses climbed the mountain for and also the one whom Mary became pregnant for, put me in my place, disrupted my inner peace, laid down the law and let me know destiny belongs to no one but HIM.The Habby and the Mommy

Pancreatic cancer latched on to my mom and won’t let go.

 Like a soft whisper, a gentle wind caressing a cheek,

A touch of cotton soaked in cold witch hazel against the face on a hot summer day,

Ice cream in a cone, silky like velvet, on the tongue

Satisfying that sweet tooth…

Pancreatic cancer latched on to my mom and won’t let go.

I’ve cried the same thousand tears that bent my lashes inward when I cried for Pi Patel.

Pi Patel passed into shadow…suddenly. No whisper no warning. No ice cream or witch hazel on a hot summer day.   imagejpeg_2 (3)

My mom is dying…

slowly in front of my being that longs to have her like I did back in the day when I was a baby and she was my mother taking care of me and working so hard to support a family that society deemed should be supported by a man but family’s man had long gone back to his country to find solace, peace and acceptance that didn’t exist  in the new world he hoped to call home.

Enough.

Love my dad but this isn’t about him.

It’s about my mom

She thought at first it was a return of the stage 4 colon cancer of the past, because sometimes they come back.  The boys and mom 019

Which it did.

In another form, in another place

where it intends to stay

till death do us part.

Mom ACCEPTS the cancer.

Mom ACCEPTS the diagnosis.

Mom ACCEPTS

And RESIGNS to let what will be, be.

And I resign to accept there are things that cannot be changed.

I so love you mom, my mom!      CCI05102014_0000

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St. Jude or Running a Marathon to Raise Donations…

Hello Followers,

If you remember, last year I trained like a Banshee to run in the Brooklyn Rock n Roll Half Marathon. My first half and my intro in fundraising for St Jude.

I had hoped to do the same for 2018 but unfortunately the Brooklyn Rock n Roll Half Marathon was cancelled!!!

Ok. What to do now?   13466516_10209962306080030_2975883067454432056_n

Tie St Jude into my first ever TCS NYC Marathon!!!!

Long runs and tapering have begun along with the sweat and tears of wtheck am I doing?

I’m gonna run a marathon and with the help of the one and only HIM (yes the Episcopalian in me is speaking), I’ll make my way across that finish line.

I remembered griping about that ‘registration fee’ for the TCS Marathon and although I knew it was coming, it was hard to lay out the money when it was due. That being said, I would like to raise the entry fee (plus a bit more) for St Jude Hospital. 33020104_10216735804493257_7361619764055113728_n

My initial modest goal of $300 was reached and surpassed today by two very generous co workers! Thank you Peeps! Although the goal was reached, I’d like to continue to raise funds until November 4th- the day of the Marathon! I would gladly appreciate any amount donated, no matter how big or small  for I believe in the work this hospital does.

Here are some of their highlights:

  • Families never receive a bill from St. Jude for treatment, travel, housing or food — because all a family should worry about is helping their child live.
  • Treatments invented at St. Jude have helped push the overall childhood cancer survival rate from 20% to more than 80% since it opened more than 50 years ago. St. Jude is working to drive the overall survival rate for childhood cancer to 90%, and they won’t stop until no child dies from cancer.

Please donate and help me give a bit back to St Jude in appreciation for being a wonderful support through my first 2018 Brooklyn Rock n Roll Half Marathon and most importantly for the kids and their families! 16864938_10212549332474073_1262931473686024038_n

Please use this link for donations:  http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR?px=4395453&pg=personal&fr_id=90465

FUNDRAISING.STJUDE.ORG

Sometimes…or have a lot of time on hand.

 

‘Sometimes you need bad things to happen to inspire you to change and grow’

Sometimes…

Growth has no end or beginning.  Image result for sometimes

Sometimes…

Change is constant with no restrictions, boundaries or cut offs.

Sometimes…

Inspiration comes from places least expected.

Sometimes…

Things happen for a reason.

Sometimes…

There’s no logic to why things happen.

Image result for sometimesSometimes…

Bad things happen to good people.

Sometimes…

Bad things happen to bad people.

Sometimes…

Good things happen to good people.

Sometimes…

Nothing happens at all to anyone.    Image result for images of sometimes

Sometimes…

The way to win a battle is to walk away.

Sometimes…

Walking away leads to the battle.

Sometimes…

Dark, rainy grey clouds bring a smile.

Sometimes…

White cotton candied clouds make you sick.

Sometimes…

Silence is golden.

Sometimes…

Screaming profanities at high volume is bliss.

Sometimes…

Bliss.

Sometimes…

Disruption.

Sometimes    

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