Serenity prayer or…feel so different

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference

Every morning I wake up with a broken heart and every night as I lay my head down on my mom’s pillow I try to keep the broken pieces from traveling far.

You are gone and it’s not even a question of accepting that reality but trying to adjust to a new reality that no longer includes you, my best friend and my mother.mom 2

October 7th, should have been a normal Sunday with you getting ready for church, asking me if I’d go and gathering your dollars for the plate collection.

Instead…

on October 7th, I woke at 2:15am and did not hear your breath with the oxygen machine.

I got up…

turned on the light and saw the look of vacancy on your face even though your eyes were closed.

I knew…

you were gone.

I felt your forehead which was warm to touch and my hand traveled to your back which was cold. I reached for my stethoscope and placed it on the honey coloured skin on top of your heart.Mom 1

No sound, no breath, an empty shell void of the pulse of life it once contained.

At first, I was relieved.

The previous day, as I held your hand, I begged you to go, to let go of the body that so betrayed you. To let go of the organs slowly shutting down. To let go of the month of starvation your body endured. To let go of the dependency on the morphine I resented giving you for I knew each dose sent you further into oblivion and I so badly wanted to see you smile at me with eyes that saw me and not death.

It is almost six months since you’ve gone.

The morphine and the Percocet sit in my medicine cabinet.

Sundays are bad and I always hold the vials in my hand contemplating, while being angry at you for not taking me with you. Each Sunday that passes the urge to take them diminishes.

You so loved life and I’m trying so hard to learn to love and dwell in it as you often wished I would.

 

Continue on…

I have no choice, trudging through trying to find the new ‘normal’ while desperately holding on to what was, knowing the was, is in the past and no longer has a place in the present.mom3

I so miss you mom, my butterfly and my best friend. You are at peace, flying through another dimension. I pray you will be there, when it’s my time, to welcome me into your world as you welcomed me into this world.

I love you.

Making my way back to …

Slowly, surely. Making my way back. So much to write. So much to ponder and cry over.

But…

Making my way back…

I’m BACK…

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Yeppers- it’s that time again-training time- for the 2019 TCS New York City Marathon and most importantly raising funds for a charity I respect and bow down to-ST JUDE CHILDREN’S RESEARCH HOSPITAL!!

St Jude Children’s Research Hospital is an organization that strives to end childhood cancer. Families never receive a bill from St Jude for treatment, travel, housing or food, allowing parents to only worry about their child.Treatments invented at St Jude have helped pushed the overall childhood cancer survival rate to more than 80% since it opened 50 years ago. The goal of St Jude’s is to drive the overall  survival rate for childhood cancer to 100%!  St. Jude also freely shares the discoveries made through research, and every child saved at St. Jude means doctors and scientists worldwide can use that knowledge to save thousands more children.

Please donate and help me give a bit back to St Jude in appreciation for the wonderful support I received through my first Brooklyn Rock n Roll Half Marathon to my first 2018 TCS New York City Marathon but MOST importantly for the kids and families this organization helps.

For more information on St Jude please check out their website: http://www.stjude.org.

-On a side note:

2018 was the year I ran my first TCS New York City Marathon and the year I lost my mom to complications from surgery related to pancreatic cancer. My mom, Margarita, encouraged me to run the marathon years ago but I waited until 2018 to seriously train for it not knowing what was to come with her health. Mom pushed me to get in the training mileage runs throughout her stay and painful procedures in the hospital. Upon her return home for hospice care she continued to push and encourage me with training. I crossed that finish line on November 4th, 2018 and although my mom was not there to see it as she had passed the month before, her spirit was with me from the starting line to getting my medal at the finish. Cancer truly sucks!

Love you Butterfly

Please visit my fundraising page and thank you!

fundraising page

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