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Forgive and forget…no

How does one forgive when the hurt is too great?

Raised up in a Catholic school environment from first grade onward, I believed to forgive was to let go of the hurt inflicted from another. Forgiveness was akin to confession. You acknowledge the hurt, let it go and move on. The party who wronged you would be grateful for the forgiveness and be forever at the mercy of the one-you- who afforded them a respite akin to what HE almighty would have given them.

Bull to the s**t!

Forgiveness comes back…to bite the hand that you thought forgave ya.

Yeah.

I can rant and rave ‘bout the many who wronged me, done me no good and I carry on saying, “I forgive and forget”, mind you, I did do the forgiving, but if you thought I forgot what you did to me when I was down and out…you got another thing coming.

I do not forget.

Nor do I easily forgive. images

Why?

Cause the damage you inflicted upon me is as bad as your thoughts on the tattoos that grace my body.

You can look at me and smile, meanwhile in your pigheaded brain you’re like, “Damn what the F… Why did she go and ink herself up?

That’s what so called forgiveness is for me. I can look at you and say, “It does not matter. What’s done is done. I forgive you and let’s move on”.  Meanwhile my imaginary daggers laced with the venom of angry queen bees is right above your head awaiting countdown to launch!

Yeah baby!

Forgiveness is earned not given.

I earn my race medals through practice and hard work. Not by the magic words, “I forgive you”.

I train, practice and work out what fits in and what needs to go.

If only FORGIVENESS were that simple.

 

***image from the www

 

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What’s a girl to do while her writing mojo’s on sabbatical…?

PROCRASTINATE

Surf on the net-gangland style with no direction or time limit or until eyes glaze over

Score and reach higher levels in Angry Birds

Chew my nails then wonder why they won’t grow

Stare into space20121210_162010

Pretend to meditate as I stare into space

Catch up on educational reading…People Magazine, AARP, Geico Newsletter, AAA magazines, ehow.com

Commit to doing 100 sit-ups, lie on a mat on the floor, then fall asleep before the 1st sit up is completed

Watch six hours of a Law and Order SVU marathon

Continue to watch an extra six hours of a Law and Order Criminal Intent marathon discovered on another network while channel grazing

Eat a bag of Lay’s potato chips

Eat the second bag of Lay’s potato chips bought to go with tomorrow’s lunch

Eat sunflower seeds, endlessly, consume the sunflower seeds

Asia

Attempt to read every book written by James Clavell

Tibetan Buddhism

Attempt to read every book written by the Dalai Lama

Daydreaming, daydreaming, afternoon dreaming, night dreaming…

Anxiously await Monday

Anxiously await Monday and go to work

Stay late at work

Seriously consider psychotherapy, maybe electroshock or scream therapy…

PROCRASTINATE  some more

Feeling mattered vs Feeling needed

At one time, I thought feeling mattered and feeling needed were the same, just different wording. Well, along with the wording feeling mattered and feeling needed are different.

Feeling needed is dependency.
My mom depends on me to help with lifting heavy objects, I, in turn feel needed or am needed.    

Feeling needed can be a good thing. 
Who does not want or need to feel special and depended upon?

Feeling needed can be a bad thing.
Who wants to deal with stress and emotional strangulation when you cannot fulfill the needs of another?

Feeling mattered is to contribute.
Without my typing skills, the paper would not be completed. I, alone with my typing contribution made an impact on the publication.

Feeling mattered is a good thing.
Who does not like feeling like the ‘King of the World’ at times?

Feeling mattered can be a bad thing.
What happens when the feeling mattered feelings do not happen as often as we would like?

Feeling needed gives us purpose and allows us to love others, at times, above ourselves. Feeling mattered does an ego good and allows us self worth and pride.

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